I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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