If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
