the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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