I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
