I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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