I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
