my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
