I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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