you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
