Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
