The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
