Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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