Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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