I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
