I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
