Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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