Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
