You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
