Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
