anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
