what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
