Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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