and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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