sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
