If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
