I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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