Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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