Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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