I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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