I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
