Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
