Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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