It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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