Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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