i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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