I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
