If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
