my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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