she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
