hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
