wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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