if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
