the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
