i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
