Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
