I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
