Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
