the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
