I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
