Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
