my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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