this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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