best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
