My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
