i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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