Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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