bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
