just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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