I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
