I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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